My son is in 6th grade this year, the bottom rung on the middle school hierarchy. This is the first year the 6th-graders are with the middle school, which means the 7th-graders got to skip the low position and the taunts of the older kids.
Maybe they’re just exercising their swagger, but a couple of them bullied my son and his friend in the bathroom the other day. One of them, we’ll call him The Namecaller, said to the other, “Look, a couple of shortys.” Then the other kid, we’ll call him The Garbageman, tried to pick up my son and put him in the trash can.
JW was able to grab the door handle and pry himself loose, so The Garbageman turned his attention to the other 6th-grader, who happens to be the son of one of the teachers. (The Garbageman is not too bright, if you ask me.) He grabbed him under the ribs and was trying to lift him up high enough to dump him in the trash, causing him some pain in the process.
The Namecaller had a moment of clarity and told The Garbageman to stop and got him to back off.
The 6th-graders did what they were supposed to do, they told the assistant principal and the Teacher-Mom. And the Teacher-Mom told me. I was assured by the assistant principal that the behavior would not be tolerated and the boys would be punished.
I know some name-calling is to be expected, but when it gets physical, it’s crossed the line. Some parents have told me their sons would never go to the bathroom in their public high schools because of the bullies – they’d hold it in all day and make a beeline for the loo when they got home. I just never thought it’d be a problem in a private, Catholic school.
A couple of days later we had an open house, and JW and I found ourselves in the same room as The Garbageman. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I say something to him? To his mom? I caught his eye and said, “So this is Norbert (not his real name, obviously). I’ve heard all about Norbert…” and he looked at me sheepishly.
I didn’t take it any farther. Should I have? Should I have talked to his mom?
Responses to “How do you handle a bully?”
September 12th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
It sounds as if you did exactly what you should have done; the culprit knew you were onto him. Assuming the assistant principal isn’t lying to you, mom already knows, and there was no need for you to talk to her.
Besides, it’s been my experience that the parents of bullies usually either don’t care because they are alcoholics or otherwise messed up, don’t care because they are under massive life stress because of divorce, ilness, etc., or don’t care because their little darlings couldn’t possibly have done what that snot-nosed lying little brat accused them of anyway.
I collated info with my husband, and his experience is the same as mine; neither of us have ever seen a bully with decent parents.
Message of hope, though. Last year I attended my 20 year high school class reunion. One of the worst bullies was there. I don’t know if you had a bully like this in your high school career, but he was the sort of bully who made teachers quit and students leave school. I used to pray during homeroom that he would die. (Yeah, I know…)
He had turned into such a nice person that we went out to dinner together after the reunion. He has a nice wife and nice kids, too.
I don’t know if this will be useful to your son, since boys are different from girls, but what helped us girls defend ourselves against physical bullies in grade school was screaming. If someone touches you, even a little, throw your head back and scream like someone’s trying to cut your throat. If you’re physically at liberty, run screaming towards the principal’s office. Don’t stop screaming until some adult responds to stop the bully. This really works best if all the kids who are being victimized get together and discuss it beforehand. The result? A lot of terribly embarrassed adults, and a lot more responsibility on the part of the adults who are supposed to be providing a safe place for children to attend school.
September 13th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Oh, Jeni … this story really touched a nerve for me. This week, actually, I’ve been having an ongoing conversation with my son about how to handle other kids who harass him on the playground. (Which sometimes looks just like Lord of the Flies to me.) Evidently the younger kids were playing Attack the Third Graders, and kicking and hitting the older kids. Who, of course, are taught not to hit back, especially if the kid is younger. Finally, one of the bolder third graders pushed the worst little attacker down a couple of times, and they brokered a deal: I’ll stop if you stop. Though not before my son added a few bruises to his legs.
I’ve stewed all week about calling one of the adult supervisors who were there to see what really happened, and see if we can cut this out.
I know boys play rough (actually, why do I say that … they certainly don’t HAVE to play rough), and we need to teach them to work it out themselves, but really. When the entire game is “attack someone,” that’s not acceptable to me.
I have a book on my nightstand called “Bullyproof Your Kid.” Anyone ever read it? Any other places I can go for expert advice?
September 13th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Allie, I think you’re right for the most part about bullies’ parents. His mom looked OK, and the fact that she was at the open house and she was engaged in conversation with the teacher makes me think she cares about what her son is doing. But, you never know.
That’s interesting about your high school bully friend. I wonder what turned him around…
My son reports no other incidents, so I’m hoping that was just a one-time thing and the assistant principal has put the fear of God in all of them… 
September 13th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
To The Diva: I think I’d talk to someone at the school about it. That really is unacceptable, and is clearly not an isolated thing. I bet some of the kids even fear going to recess, which should be one of the most enjoyable times of the day.
At the very least, I’d talk to the adult supervisors, but I wouldn’t rule out going straight to the principal.
And maybe one of the mom’s or dad’s on recess duty could get them into some kind of organized play. My son and his classmates — the boys and girls — loved (lived for) playing touch football at recess last year. That might be a little advanced for the little ones, but they could play soccer or foursquare or something.
September 14th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Eliminate tag, and hide and seek, pad all corners, walls, tables, etc., get paper that cannot cut fingers, ban staplers, make school a “bang” free zone (meaning no play guns, and these days no substitute teachers scamming on 10 year old boys…geez), put ritalin in the water supply, make boys sit and learn like girls, and have WAYYY too many “soccer moms” with the little baseball and gymnastic stickers on the backs of their Hummers running around the school with fake smiles!
Oh, sorry, thats what we already do. Maybe best to just let boys be boys, and when we hear of this kind of crap, suspend the offending kid. Its most likely the moron has two working parents and there is NO WAY they could accomodate the kid at home, so they’d fix it right away…no more bullying.
September 14th, 2007 at 11:52 am
I’d get a lawyer if the school showed such inaction. A friend of mine did that and got a restraining order on the child who bullied her daughter. That was the only language that trashy parent understood, and the school too, who was finally spurred to take action when the law got involved and reminded them of their responsibility to provide a safe learning environment. I was bullied in junior high and the schools never did anything. They thought I was being a crybaby, even though I had the black eyes and fat lips to show that I was not exaggerating. I went to all my high school reunions looking for the girl who tormented me. She never showed up to any reunion. Lucky for her. (and probably me!)
September 12th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
My little brother was in the sixth grade, too, when he was bullied by another kid in his class. I don’t know that it ever crossed the line into physical abuse, but it came close. I’ll not say the name of the Memphis city school he attended to protect the guilty, but the teacher treated my brother like a tattle-tale when he let her know he was being bullied and the principal acted as though my parents were over-reacting to it all.
Finally one day my father got permission from the bully’s mother to take him out for a burger after school, so my dad took my brother and this kid to Burger King. Dad talked to the bully about how glad he was in my brother’s class and that he hoped he and my brother would be good friends. As far as I know, he never said one word about the bullying. From that day on, that kid never gave my brother another second’s trouble.
Maybe Norbert needs to be taken to Burger King…