So OMG, seriously with the girls- and cars-talk. I am so over it. I’ve said for years how glad I am to have boys but I would give anything for a nice conversation about Jaime Lynn’s baby. I would loooove for someone to be able to weigh in on Michelle Obama’s $130-dress. And doesn’t anyone here feel bad for Nicole not being able to share the birth of her child with her two adopted children because Tom’s got them holed up in LA doing Scientology Sunday School? Anyone?

This trip has actually been quite enlightening for me. I’ve learned all sorts of things I never knew before. For instance, there is a reason why teenage boys wear boxers underneath their swim trunks, and it has everything to do with all the teenage girls walking around in bikinis. Here I was bitching about the ever-growing pile of wet underwear in the corner of the hotel bathroom when there is actually a very important adolescent necessity being fulfilled. Who knew?

Also, when sunburned, the answer to the question, “Which sun dress shall I wear?” is ALWAYS, “The one that is most like a nightgown.” You can save yourself several rounds of ironing by sticking to this rule.

People-watching has shown me that everyone at the beach has an ulterior motive. Teenage girls have the sole objective of attracting teenage boys. Teenage boys only want to be attracted. The guy with his young son in one hand and a beer in the other? He really just wants to catch a buzz. Sun worshipers want the souvenir of an enviable tan. The man on his knees in the shallow surf (no doubt getting quite the sand enema) is repeatedly pushing his preschool son on the boogie board because he wants to be a “good dad.” He hopes the boy will always remember this happy memory of the two of them together. The guy standing in the surf but talking on a cellphone headset? He wants everyone to see how very, very important he is, that he must conduct this meeting all the way from Florida. Moms only want to make sure their beloved children don’t wash away to sea.

Only children romp around with the pure, unadulterated love of play. Apparently we lose that right about the time we grow interested in attracting the opposite sex. Pity really, since all the adults are out here trying like hell to get it back.