So OMG, seriously with the girls- and cars-talk. I am so over it. I’ve said for years how glad I am to have boys but I would give anything for a nice conversation about Jaime Lynn’s baby. I would loooove for someone to be able to weigh in on Michelle Obama’s $130-dress. And doesn’t anyone here feel bad for Nicole not being able to share the birth of her child with her two adopted children because Tom’s got them holed up in LA doing Scientology Sunday School? Anyone?

This trip has actually been quite enlightening for me. I’ve learned all sorts of things I never knew before. For instance, there is a reason why teenage boys wear boxers underneath their swim trunks, and it has everything to do with all the teenage girls walking around in bikinis. Here I was bitching about the ever-growing pile of wet underwear in the corner of the hotel bathroom when there is actually a very important adolescent necessity being fulfilled. Who knew?

Also, when sunburned, the answer to the question, “Which sun dress shall I wear?” is ALWAYS, “The one that is most like a nightgown.” You can save yourself several rounds of ironing by sticking to this rule. Read the rest of this entry »

So far my beach vacation hasn’t really panned out the way that I’d hoped. I’ve had worse though. And it wasn’t the time I broke a molar in the car ON THE WAY TO FLORIDA that one year. Or the trip to Atlanta where we got caught in a torrential rainstorm complete with hail and tornadoes in the middle of the night somewhere in Northern Alabama. Or the seven-day cruise where Big Daddy didn’t quite understand the concept of the aerosol sun screen and got second-degree sunburn BEFORE THE SHIP EVER LEFT FT. LAUDERDALE.

No, the very worst vacation was that one year in Destin. My family totally knows what I’m talking about. The first day at the beach, I had a little too much rum punch and forgot to re-apply to either myself or Elijah. We were both sunburned so horribly that our faces were swollen up like The Beast from that Linda Hamilton TV series in the 80s. Then it rained all day the second and third days. The fourth day we gave up and went home. There was not one redeeming thing about that vacation.

This vacation hasn’t been that bad. This year’s vacation by the numbers:

• Number of days in Florida so far: 3
• Number of days in Florida sun: 1
• Number of days in Florida rain: 2
• Number of shopping trips to the outlet mall: 1
• Number of jackets bought at the Brooks Bros outlet store for less than $300: 3
• Number of iDiva readers I’ve run into: 1 (Shout out to Lisa, yo!)
• Number of ways Hilton has screwed us: still counting
• Number of times we’ve changed hotel rooms: 1
• Number of changes still to come: 1
• Number of Hilton Honors points we cashed in to have them put us in their suckiest room overlooking the parking lot: 175,000
• Number of movies we’ve watched in the hotel rooms: 4
• Number of conversations the teenage boys have had that are about a) girls or b) wheels: all of them
• Number of girls’ phone numbers one boy has collected: 5
• Number of last names that aren’t “Red Bikini” or “Hot Blonde”: 0
• Number of blistered sunburned noses: 1
• Number of times I’ve gone running: 1
• Number of stickers stuck to the windshield of the new Navigator for parking in the wrong spot: 1
• Number of waffles eaten: 3
• Number of raw oysters consumed by our party: 8 dozen
• Number of naps taken: 2
• Number of days left for vacation to make up with me: 6

What’s your most tragic vacation story?

Next week I’ll be blogging from the beautiful Florida Gulf Coast, where I will be vacationing along with several thousand other people from the Memphis-Shelby County area. Call it the ‘Redneck Riviera’ and make fun of it all you want, I think Destin has some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. When I die, just put my ashes in a bottle of Coppertone and bury me in the sand.

I have pretty strict guidelines on what I will and won’t take/ wear/ do on vacation. Here’s a complete list of what I AM taking:

• Swimsuit - in coral. Bikini. With two options for tops so as to avoid tan lines.
• Cover Up – in turquoise
• Sun Dresses (10) – in variety of summer colors and prints. None are: fitted, binding, lined or belted. Several don’t even have waistlines.
• Underwear (10 pairs)
• Flip flops (3 pairs) – in brown, black and turquoise
• Sunscreen - in 15, 8, and 4 SPF. Also a 30 in case there is sunburning. And 15 SPF lip balm.
• Make up – tinted moisturizer, eye liner, mascara and lip gloss
• Shampoo - extra gentle for daily washings
• Conditioner - extra strength to fight sun/ salt/ chlorine damage
• Venus Razor & extra blades – there will be a lot of shaving going on
• Beach Reads – Such a Pretty Fat (Lancaster), Bringing Home the Birkin (Tonello), Dandy in the Underworld (Horsley), People, US Weekly, In Touch
• Misc: hair bands, after-sun lotion, deodorant, perfume, toothbrush, toothpaste, vitamins, bottled water, my own pillow

What I am NOT taking:

• Bras
• High-heeled sandals
• A Watch
• A Flat iron
• Base, concealer, & powder make up
• Work

My vacation rules include comfortable clothes, a lot of relaxing and no hair straightening. What are your vacation rules?

So Don Imus is in trouble again.

This time, he was talking about Adam “Pacman” Jones, the Dallas Cowboys player who has been arrested six times since being drafted by the Tennessee Titans in 2005. One of Imus’s co-hosts reported that Jones now wants to drop the nickname in order to disassociate himself from his crime-ridden past. Imus asked, “What color is he?”

“He’s African-American,” responded the co-host.

“Well there you go,” Imus said. “Now we know.” Read the rest of this entry »

I pride myself on my knowledge and use of new media, but it might be a bit overstated. Just because I blog and I twitter doesn’t exactly put me on the cutting edge of new media technology. Perhaps more than most; maybe less than many. Whenever I adapt some new technology I feel so proud of myself, like, look at me! Not old and obsolete yet! Then my teenager texts me, “You’re such a dork.” and my image of myself is totally shot.

So it’s with great joy that I tell you about my newest discovery: PODCASTS! I know, podcasts have been around forever and this is a little like getting excited over…a fax machine…but bear with me here. For those of you who, like me, are all “huh? podwhat?” let me explain that a podcast is like a broadcast, except that it’s digital – you download it from the internet for playback on an iPod or computer.

The podcast page on iTunes is just ridiculous with content. I’m sure I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of a huge, huge, so-not-melting iceberg because keep in mind, there is like unlimited space out there on the internet. There are podcasts from Oprah, Apple, Martha Stewart, Joel Osteen, all the news channels, Nickelodeon, Disney, The Onion, The New Yorker, The Economist, MTV, VH1 and ESPN. And my personal favorite… Read the rest of this entry »